Once you decide that throwing money away for the uncertain promise of entertainment is something you would be interested in, you want it to be as convenient as possible. In my case this was Harrah's Cherokee Casino; as it is the only casino in the state of North Carolina.
Area:I stayed at a hotel about a half mile away(and $50 a night cheaper) and walked to and from the casino. Evidently the $50 price difference has something to do with the complete lack of streetlights on this half mile stretch of road. Do yourself a favor and eat at the Eastern European-owned country buffet at the front gate, at least then you will have something to show for your money.
Arriving: First off, the casino parking lot looks to be bigger than the entire surrounding town and at capacity probably has more vehicles than residents of Cherokee. When I went to pick up my buddy 3AM, I got to see the procession of broken and the broke leaving the front doors. Jacked up on Sugar, Caffeine, and Nicotine, these lifeless husks shuffle to board their ferry of the river Styx, ie: Harrah's Cherokee Casino parking lot.
Game Room: Upon stepping foot though the door the senses are literally assaulted: Bright lights, Bells/Horns/Whistles, The smell of granny perfume and Ben-Gay. One would think a room that is 75000 square feet with 20 foot ceilings wouldn't absolutely reek of cigarette smoke, but I guess when 2000 people have been chain-smoking all day its to be expected. The rows of slot machines are spaced around 6' apart, so if two obese people happen to be sitting adjacent to each other, Verily I wish thee good luck in getting to the other side grandma. To play any games you will need a member card, and the woman who signed me up saw my license and asked "UNC or Duke" with a raised eyebrow. I assured her the correct answer was "UNC", and we did a little fist-bump as she gave me a free Harrah's T-Shirt which I lost later. The member card has a bungee cord to connect it to the player, and glancing down the rows I got a strange feeling seeing 40+ people staring blankly at flashing screens while tethered to the shiny, noise making machines. In the back corner of the main room is the "Smoke-free Gaming" area; which luckily includes the Poker Room(more on this later), and a minuscule, brightly lit gaming room with maybe 50 slot machines packed into the 1000 square feet.
Games: I hope you love video slot machines because god damn thats pretty much all there is. Litterally 100% of the floorspace is covered by slot machines, video poker, video keno, or some form of game with a video screen. The entire time I was there I did not see a single game without some form of video monitor attached to it. This includes Poker tables, Craps, and Blackjack.
Slot Machines: 1¢ slots are terrific for people who want to lose money as slowly as possible while doing repetitive motions.
Video Poker: Wearisome way of wasting one's wampum. SWIDT?
Video Blackjack: Hey did you see that movie "21"? I liked it but everyone else, critics included, hated it! Geez you just cant please some people.
Video Keno: Some people are gluttons for punishment.
Poker Tables: The only way to make poker more fun is to replace the dealer with a computer, and each player's hand/chips with a touchscreen. I was on a waiting list for $1/$2 NL Texas Holdem for about 3 hours, and personally blame this wait coupled with adult ADD for the loss of $40 into the spinny-flashy-slot machine fun zone.
Pro Poker Tip Zone:
- The best poker strategy involves telling other players how they played a hand incorrectly.
- Ladies, use your physical assets to your advantage! Hey it worked for Jennifer Tilly, right?
- Wear a hoody, sunglasses just like the big boys on the WPT, you are a winner!
I really shouldn't badmouth the poker tables, as the only money I made all night came from them.
People: Easily the best part of any outing, the people were my favorite part of the experience.
Everyone's Uncle: (Upper Right)
Baseball caps and scruffy beards are always in vogue, much like squandering your children's inheritance.
Silver falls mullet video craps guy:
This cat was partying in the rear at the video craps from when I got there until I left. Shine on you crazy diamond.
Blue from 'Old School' with an eye patch: (Artist's Rendition)
Ol' Blue was rocking a leather jacket watching the poker room, unknowingly making my day brighter.
Yellow Hoody Poker Wizard:
I cast 'Lose all my money'.
Gamblin' jamie kennedy:
I really wish I could have gotten a picture of this dude. He was wearing a Fidel Casto hat, oversized sunglasses, a huge gold necklace, with a buffoonish chinstrap neckbeard.
Staff: Aren't casinos supposed to be full of the hottest young waitresses & hostesses, all tasked with making you drink yourself retarded enough to drop down your life savings on the old 7-come-11? Well I think the Saturday staff might have asked the Tuesday staff to switch with them so they could go to the Nickelback concert; because there wasn't more than one waitress/hostess over a 6.5 on duty. Stating that, even the B-Team can get an A for effort but oh no, not tonight! No one was even on their A-game, no smiles, no flirty eyes, nothing, even the large ones, and there were a few. Honestly if you expect me to pay for drinks at a casino, AND pay more than bar prices, I would at the very least like to think that I'm helping you pay for tuition to stripper school.
Overall: Ever eaten one of those warheads candies? The super-sour-sweet ones? Thats the best analogy for Harrah's Cherokee: Painfully sour mixed with mildly sweet. If you enjoy hanging out with 5000 surly retirees, all talking about long their trip was, while ashes fall into their complementary Mountain Dew; Have I got a vacation package for you.
Thanks Internet.